Can you ever rekindle a relationship?
This week, golfer Rory McIllroy and Erica Stoll said they were calling off their divorce proceedings. But can you ever go back from a break up or divorce proceedings?
Why do you think people might regret instigating divorce proceedings?
Divorce is a huge step and one of the most life changing decisions we will ever make. It is often complex, potentially requiring major uprooting of where you live, how much income you have and how much time you have with your children. The process itself can be overwhelming, expensive and brimming with the overly complicated language of lawyers. Additionally, society often stigmatizes divorce, with phrases like ‘single mum’ and happily married friends may distance themselves to avoid taking sides. Systemic belief systems created by church and state make us think divorce is a dirty word. People can change their minds due to nostalgia of what a relationship used to be, fear of being on their own, the love of any children involved or genuinely missing their partner.
Who tends to regret it, man or woman, or instigator/the one who is less less happy to divorce?
Statistically, women are more likely to file for divorce and more likely to be happier after one. Women tend to be more open to reaching out support networks - whether that be professional help like therapy or coaching, friendship circles and family. They’re also less likely to jump head first into a brand new relationship, giving themselves time to heal and truly being happy before they move on and look for a new life partner, meaning there’s less chance of repeating past mistakes.
Does reconciling tend to be successful in your experience?
This really depends on the root problem and people’s willingness to adapt and change behaviour for the other person. Some issues like values systems can be hard to reconcile. Infidelity can mean a relationship is never truly the same again. If it’s just that the passion has fizzled out, this can be more easily rekindled as love tends to be deeper and slower than an initial spark. External life circumstances outside of the couple’s control can strain a relationship, for example bereavement or a job loss. Here you can draw a timeline of events and have empathy for one another. Reconciliation can happen but it needs deep examination. There are some cases where reconciliation just isn’t advised, for example where verbal or physical abuse has been present.
Do you think couples sometimes panic when actually they should go through with the divorce, because they're afraid of the financial consequences?
Finances often crop up in coaching conversations. Particularly for women who may have caregiver responsibilities and put their careers at the backseat or earn less due to the gender pay gap. The law aims to protect women and ensure that they have a fair share of assets, as well as being paid for caregiver responsibilities. But the thoughts of changing lifestyle or being financially independent can be challenging for some, particularly as there is a severe lack of education on finance for women. Just like putting the bins out, we can learn how to manage money. It really depends though on how much money you and your partner have and how much value you place on money.
Can divorce ever be stopped in its tracks and return to being a successful marriage and if so what does it require of a couple?
In order for couples to move forward they need to be prepared to deeply examine why they looked to divorce in the first place and assess what they are willing to change. Don’t go running back just because you are lonely - really give it some proper time and thought and ensure you have space and time for action and reflection. Reuniting just for the children’s sake can also be troublesome. Children pick up on more than you think and only need one functioning parent in order to thrive. They will be much happier with divorced parents than being brought up in an unhappy home. A couple need to be aligned and truly support one another in order to move forward. That can definitely happen if you are both willing to work at it so both of your needs are met.
